I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
