Pants 0. Shit 1.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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