Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
