Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
