god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Randomize
