Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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