walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
