My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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