I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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