so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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