I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
