before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
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ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
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Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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