Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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