I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
