I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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