Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
