Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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