im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
