i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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