i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
