i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
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I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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