Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
