Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
