Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize