Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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