A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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