He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
