Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
