i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
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It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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