I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
