Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
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ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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