I am puke
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
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TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Come on in and take your pants off
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