if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
