how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
