Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
