Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
