Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's Friday. Sex?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
