3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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