You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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