I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
