thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
