Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
