She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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