Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
