Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
