once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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