when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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