headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
