the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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