its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize