Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
